The new blog is set up. Running. And should be wrinkle free. This blog remains... for Jim to return to.
In the meantime, you can encourage, send your thoughts and prayers and get updates here in chapter 2:
Onemorenutintheroadacontinuedjourney.blogspot.com
The simplest way is to follow, just like you did here on Jim's original blog. We hope you do. Follow. Your support and prayers have helped get him to where he is now, and we thank you.
From both of us,
The Nut & Eyeroller
It's chapter 2 for this blog. Not for Jim. Although...it very well could be.
Without getting into the why's, where's, and what the heck's...I am initiating a new blog that is in my control. For Jim. A spin off of his desire to always look on the bright side and find the shiny pennies in life. His blog, for example. Now, I take it for a new ride.
A continued journey.
Treasure hunters, positive thinkers, grateful people who recognize even the tiny copper, shiny penny as a blessing... All welcome here.
Let's get started.
onemorenutintheroadacontinuedjourney.blogspot.com
(A tech note here: I'm still ironing out wrinkles so that you can comment, follow, add your username if you like, and have the right sized screen! If you have a problem, message me or make a comment, and I can track it down. So bear with me, and we will continue to spread goodwill, positive attitudes, multiple smiles, and make them wonder what we're up to.)
Some weakness, some...for lack of a better description...bull-headedness, sagging head, and strong desires to sleep. And, a few other added spices. One day can be all that. And, it was. Monday.
Tuesday, he was right back to moving forward. Tired, but expected. Warmer physically and emotionally. More cooperative and engaging.
Wednesday. Unremarkable.
Then it was Thursday. I had a couple of stops to make on the way to the facility. One of which was to pick up my purchase of a nice, but inexpensive current laptop to let Jim navigate a keyboard and stimulate the old geek cells. He zoomed in and went straight to some shortcuts. There was a little frustration because he couldn't pull up the internet until I connected my hotspot, but he sure tried despite that. We used it later to watch clips from "Annie Get Your Gun", and I watched him smile big, and make comments about how much he loved the performance of Betty Hutton. Solitaire on the screen was less entertaining. "I hope this gets more interesting."
But, he was exceptionally engaged, sharp and very current a lot of the day. That happens more often now, and he asked about a few things he obviously was concerned about. Was everything OK? Did I need anything? Then there were bill paying questions. He needed to deposit a check. That would not be considered current thinking for some, but if you know, Jim, it's pretty standard every day. Lest he forget. He worries about that. Sure, he can mix it up with thinking he needs to put a time log in. , But remember, he's basically lost almost 4 months. What part of your life would you wake up to after "sleeping" that long?
When these questions come up, I just let him know it's all being taken care of, and everything is going to be fine. He needs only to work with God and focus his energy on getting well and healing. He knows something happened because he sees himself differently in the mirror. He examines what he sees, turning his head to different angles, looking at himself in the eyes. He knows there is an indentation on his forehead. And bumps on his scalp. He comments on them. And, he asks me to put Melaleuca oil them to help fix them.
It can be difficult to watch this. But, it is part of the awakening.
The most exciting part of the day was that we were able to walk... holding hands... just the two of us. No walker. The physical therapist was behind us with a chair... just in case. But, we walked. Jim standing fairly straight and tall... with one brief, sit down on a lobby loveseat, about 300 feet down around and back. It wasn't pretty. There were no trees, or flowers, or bunnies in bushes. No sunset, skyline or view of note. But, I'll take that walk down a tiled hall as one of the most memorable. And, I'm happy to share that with you.
Over the years, we have missed at least two opportunities to hear the Fort Worth Symphony perform one of Jim's favorite classical pieces. Stravinsky's, "The Firebird ". Either we would be gone and traveling, had other plans on the same evening, or we already had our season package selected and did not fit in another performance. Finally... he booked it. We had it on our calendar for 6 months.
April 22, 2023 should have been a lovely evening at the Bass Hall, but we did not see the performance that Jim was really looking forward to. That day was one week to the day after the collision that changed our life path. Jim was in the ICU and partially conscious at best, lucky and blessed to hear anything. Firebird would have to wait again. I donated the tickets on his behalf.
I tried playing the piece for him from time to time as part of the musical stimulus I was providing to help him heal and stimulate his brain. Interestingly, he mostly scowled or tightened his facial muscles, and it appeared to do the opposite of my intention. Too much stimulation? Too much staccato? I'm not certain, but it was not the time.
But he has progressed so much over the last three and a half months that I opened a YouTube "Firebird" performance by the LA Symphony Orchestra last evening during dinner. He was fixated with the video. The conductor's movements. The colors and musical instruments. Certainly the emotion of it. And, without any promotion, he started tapping out the note rhythms including pauses and intensity...perfectly.
To most people going about their daily business and trying to keep all the balls in the air, tapping out of rhythm isn't a blip on their radar. Who doesn't tap out a rhythm now and then? Did Jim remember it is Stravinsky? No. Did he recall the title, "The Firebird"? Still no. But, deep inside he knew it... Felt it. Tapped it out on the table top. That's a far cry from a scowl. And, he is a far cry from where he was that evening in April.
God is good.
Jim has always been very stealthy...as he prefers to call it. Prides himself really, as to how clever he can be to hide a gift while we are shopping. Something he thinks I would like or made mention of in passing, then quietly tuck the purchase under the opposite arm that wraps me or holds my hand. Swapping the package back-and-forth as needed to try to keep the secret, and having so much fun pulling it off. Even if I saw it, or caught on to the game, I would never let on. It was too delightful letting him go on with it. Then when my birthday came, I would be surprised all over again and make a big deal about how clever he was. Like a magician. Slight of hand, in a good way.
So a week ago, we had a visitor at the facility and were gifted some mini blueberry muffins and a bin of sugary cookies to shard with the staff. The word... Sugar... stood out like a red flag, and I kept them sealed but we enjoyed a blueberry mini muffin.
It was time for an afternoon nap, and I left the cookie bin on the table in the middle of Jim's room, grabbed the laundry of the day and told him I'd be back shortly and have a good nap. About 2 hours later, I returned with clean laundry to hang, and noticed his sleeping position was different. That's unusual. A half eaten cookie on the nightstand.
The cookie bin was still on the table, but the seal was broken and the lid was loose. Hmmm.
There are really two options. Somebody helped themselves.... Or another somebody helped himself.
Yesterday, in talking with a Tech who is very attentive, lots of fun and very observant, she noticed. I was working with Jim on using the phone. She was curious if he knew how to call me. He was curious as to why he should call me when I was standing there in the room.🙄 Phone on the table, he went straight to the contacts icon...my photo on top of the page...phone icon...ring ring. He made quick work of that request.
Continuing the chat with the tech about the cookie incident, she let me know that he is sometimes sitting on the edge of the bed when she arrives in the morning. Often, she told me, the middle closet door is open, the wheelchair is moved to the other side of the room and some other items can be moved. So again, two options. Elves. Or Jim is getting out of bed on his own and exploring.
I think we can safely rule out elves, and narrow the suspect list to one.
One clever, healing and resourceful man who is still stealthy. And, continues to be clever and find ways to surprise me. I think God is getting a kick out of Jim as well.
The healing continues. All the care Jim took of his body and mind during his pre-April 15th life is paying off. Muscles are slowly but surely filling in, strength is building, balance is better, and weight is being added in a good way. Muscles weigh more than fat.
I finally got some additional approved exercise to do on our own in the room. I do, however have to let Jim think it's mostly for me. I get benefited by doing stretch bands and leg lifts, but the best benefit is his improvement. As to my exercise routine, I've never picked up so many things off the floor in my life! When Jim is done with a paper towel or cookie wrapper...floor. Sometimes he aims for the waste basket or a counter. Operative word.... aims. Giving him credit though, there have been many two pointer baskets. And, an occasional three pointer. There are a few other physical ability expansions, but right now napping is still his favorite activity. And, that's fine. The brain takes a tremendous amount of energy to heal, so napping and rest are extremely important. And, it must be helping, because his mental abilities are also expanding.
Humor, a high level of complex and divergent thinking, has been coming back full throttle. Lots of typical Jim subtle, under the radar, dry humor. And, for your funny bone and sense of wow, enjoy some words and phrases... Compliments of Jim.
Nullify.
Rectify.
Mitigate.
Obscure.
Bogus.
Paramisium. ( One of my absolute favs!)
As I took a paper towel to throw it away, he looked to see what I was doing. " That is still blow nosable."
Showing him a photo of a beautiful lizard I had seen on the patio and identified as a Texas Spiny Lizard, he told me he had seen them there before by the lemon tree, but he didn't want to tell me so I wouldn't be scared. He was referring to the time he brought a dead snake in the house. A "treasure" from a run. That did not go well for him.
Looking at one picture board I made, "I think this will all make better sense if I can identify every picture and location."
Archimedes...and the number 6. (!!!!!)
I brought a treat from home. Those delectable cranberry almond wafers that come three in a wrap. He was enjoying one and decided to dip it in the left over meat juices on his plate. "The sweet will be mitigated by the dressing."
Well...ok then.
There is a tactic and game, if you will, used in teaching communication skills. Corporations used it years ago. Marketing companies and staffs made a point of this demonstration to help people realize how the words they say... in the sequence that they say them... can be perceived by the listener. Now, the listener. That's a whole other story. Culture. Experiences. Attitude. Ego. Willingness. Even profession. These and more all influence the interaction. I think willingness and attitude are most paramount and can override all the other influences and bring people together and create understanding. You can have all the tactics in the world, but the smartest of people, with marked successes, and take away the willingness or add an ego based attitude, and there is no conversation. Just words with an imaginary pointy finger.
So... this game. The first time I saw this, I thought it was going to be so simple, but found that it helps you realize that blank spaces within conversations are filled in, if not by you, then by the listener, and sometimes the conversation can take on a very different direction that intended. The man stood in front of the group of us. He took off his sports jacket, properly folded it and laid it neatly on the table beside him. Casually, he asked a person to teach him how to put the jacket on as if he had never worn one. Without asking him first to pick up the jacket, the participant started to instruct him to put his arm in the sleeve. So there he was...jacket on the table...wrong end of the sleeve...and a limp sleeve... laying on the table. And the hilarity started. New participants were calling out how they thought the man should go about the process. After being inside out, upside down, backwards, twisted and crumpled for at least fifteen minutes, he finally had the jacket on and buttoned. But there was not a direct path from the table to the proper way of wearing it.
This game can point out a lot of things. Sometimes too many words clog the conversation when the intent was to be thorough and informative. "You had me at hello." No need to go on and define hello. Or so few words that someone might misinterpret that as your disinterest in the whole thing.
Reading the daily communications, both verbal and physical that Jim gives can be very tricky. You really have to be careful not to interject your own interpretation or shortcomings on to him. Sit back. Pay attention. Apply some logic, but also think out of the box. If you only apply a labeled medical condition and Googled answers to Jim's actions or words, you could be missing the whole point. You could be trying to put on the jacket without first picking it up off the table, applying someone else's predictions and so-called knowing to an individual who will set his own medical records. There are libraries of books and studies and medical records, broken and explored by one individual or another... setting yet another precedence for the next guy, if you care to consider.
And, that listener? Maybe the entire conversation was adapted to the listener. Now... That is interesting.
There is nothing simple about this entire process and journey that we are on. It is layered complexity. There may be too many words or not enough, and lots of so-called conversations, but I know that the jacket will be worn properly. And, he will look good.
Good bye G tube!!!!! Thanks for providing nutrition for Jim when that was an absolute necessity. But, you have been replaced by improved health, willingness and desires to hold a fork, chew and swallow.
So now....you are outta here!
B-bye.
I've been looking at the moon the last several nights. Over the years, Jim and i have gotten some really nice photos of the moon. Fat and full. With craters and shadows. Eclipsed. Bright white and harvest orange. He has used my shoulder to quiet a long camera lens and assure a steadier shot. He would tell me when... and I would hold my breath and try not to move. Click. Click. Check the screen and shoot again if he didn't like it.
We have been in simple places and grand places. Small East Texas towns. Canyons and National Parks. Big Sky country. And, the moon always shows up. Phases change. Position alters, but it's there.
There is something so connecting about this lighted orb. Something very personal even though the entire world shares it. A personal reminder of places and times. Certainly, it can make you feel very small in perspective of just our galaxy, but at the same time very important and intimate in terms of your own memories and appreciation.
This July waxing moon is about half light right now. First quarter. But started out as a promising curved sliver of pure light just a few days ago. Appreciated for its own beauty and shape.
Jim's progress is similar. A sliver a few days ago compared to the growth he is having this week. Bigger and brighter. Stronger. Working towards the full moon of progress on the first of August. And, then...even when the moon seems to disappear in the sky, it doesn't. It is the new moon.
Medical: Holding well.
Hopefully the g tube is removed thursday this week! Glory!
No word of the day.
But an author of the day. John Maltese. Jim is so well read that I sometimes need to look up a name that i might not be familiar with, but that he spouted out during a chat for whatever reason or association. Not the first or last time this will happen.
Slivers.
May 20, 2023
The significance of that day for me was that I saw Jim move 2 toes on his left foot a fraction. It was so brief...a twitch...it could have happened before without me seeing. Or at night with no one there, but I like to think it was the first time.
May 23, 2023
Three toes. Three toes on his left foot moved purposefully and deliberately.
May 28, 2023
All the toes on Jim's left foot stretched and wiggled...and...moving from the ankle, he shifted his foot from right to left across the bed's footboard. Muscles in his shin visibly firing and pulsing throughout the afternoon.
Here we are. July 23, 2023
Just two months later, and this last week he has been walking, assisted about 300 feet. How amazing is that? And, what can you imagine is going to be on the calendar in another month? Physically snd mentally?
There are some who may only want to attribute these improvements to medical advancements, doctors, and the body's abilities. Certainly, these facts are all contributing elements. No doubt. Especially the body's abilities.
God's hand. God's design of the body. God's intentions for Jim. God's ear to hear prayers. That's the meat of it. Without all of that, there would have been no wiggle.
Jim gets really bored with TV. If it is sports, you may get his attention. Baseball for sure. He particularly loves the end of the season, into the fall when the race for the pennants and the Series is full on. Stats. Athleticism. The memories of hot dogs and cheers over the years. "Field of Dreams" good times and just simple enjoyment. He always wanted to support the Texas Rangers, and has been to dozens of games. Even singing the National Anthem with friends of the Regal Opera Chorale a few times to open the game. That...he loved. Syracuse Orange football and basketball, oh yeah. Then there is hockey. I always loved it, and he started to get hooked. It's hard to beat the rush for the Stanley Cup. We both always liked football, but we lost our oomph for it over the last several years. Especially after Peyton Manning retired. There are a few remaining great players with dignity and old fashioned, if you will, sports conduct. But, mostly it falls under entertainment quotes now, so we watch college football for the fix.
Then there are the old good Western's. "Gunsmoke". "Wells Fargo". But, he loses interest quickly. He has repeated a grumble I have often heard over the years about the amount of junk on television.
Good movies can still get his attention. Star Wars. Jimmy Stewart films. Tom Hanks. The other evening, there was a fantasy Kung Fu type movie on that had people twirling through the air, swords flying and dragons breathing fire. Opposing leaders of warring armies, over who knows what, and the action caught his attention. One leader was male and one was female, and they were having some kind of a conversation with subtitles and animated faces. After a few minutes, Jim looked at me and says, "Can I be the humorous guy, and you'd be the amused lady?"
That's me. Amused.
Words of the day:
Spectrum
Reconcile
Accoutrements, (as he handed me the gate belt he was wearing to give therapist a place to hold on when he's walking or to help lift him.)
Medical: holding his weight. BP is a little wacky, but that can be from the TBI.
Pray for immediate removal of the g-tube. He hasn't needed it, doesn't need it now, won't need it, and it causes him a lot of discomfort.
It seems almost ludicrous, to use one of Jim's favorite words, to give a man, an engineer... with a genius IQ... simple math problems of 5 x 5, 10 x 3 or 100 x 2 and 300÷2 . But, when you don't even know that you're injured and have a baseline of this is who I am... this current stage... you have to start somewhere. But, it became funny pretty quickly. So I wrote down three simple problems a row. What was very interesting was that his brain automatically tried to use all three together like a major equation. And, I could see the pencil marks that that he was making and the thinking that was involved to come up with a major answer to solve that equation. So I put my fingers over the second and third problems and said, " look at you Mr. Smarty. You're trying to work all three problems together. "How about you just give me the answer to the first one?" And, he looked at me, and he said, "Because this is difficult?"... with this smirk on his face. And he wrote down the correct answer of 25. So I did the same thing for the second problem. And then the third, covering two of the three.
Since I wrote down a couple of larger numbers last week, and just asked him, "what is this number divided by two?", and he popped out the correct answer practically without thinking. So, of course, I wrote down two or three larger numbers, three and four digit numbers, asking him to multiply this or divide that. An he nailed it every time. This is complex thinking. Numbers.
He also repeated his phone number somewhere in the digits conversation. He remembered an old landline phone number of mine, which I thought was humorous. I had forgotten it.
Then I tried a simple game of hangman with a three letter word. And, whatever vowel he was going to guess, I would adapt accordingly so he was successful in figuring out the three letters. Then we went to a longer word. Circle. He did find that more perplexing. I'm not sure if it was the blank spaces, calculating the number of letters, trying to remember all the letters he could choose, or combination of all of that. But, not long after the hangman, he looks up and makes a comment about doing something with propension. "So", I asked... "Is propension the word of the day?" "Yes." Smirk.
This journey. This healing. This opportunity is so fascinating. To watch this very intelligent man, calculate his way back into pre-April 15th state is such a privilege to me. As much pain as there has been, there has been joy. And pride. And wonder. Most of the time, he thinks the facility is a hotel we are staying in or an apartment. And, that illusion in itself has to be handled with care. To address why he is going to bed, and why I am leaving. Math problems are easier. But this isn't about easy. This is creating a total and delecate equation to form some kind of logic he can continue to build from. One small problem at a time until all the numbers fall into line.
Well, Jim started out the week with a bang.
Physical and occupation with therapies are in the morning. Sometimes, he is already in therapy when I arrive, and other times I'm encouraging him to wake up. He was super sleepy yesterday, hiding under his blanket tent. Shutting out whatever. Hardly an acknowledgment, let alone interest in getting up, having something to drink or think about therapies.
Finally, with considerable encouragement just short of cheerleader pom poms and help from a nurse tech that answered the room red light, he got out of bed and got help to change. Shortly afterward the occupational therapist was popping in, smiling as usual, to go to work. Sometimes he is so concerned where I am and what i'm doing, that I stay behind in the room to hang clean laundry and organize a few things rather than tag long to therapy.
Later, I looked in on the therapy room from a distance and saw him peddling away on the bike machine with a fair amount of enthusiasm. In good hands, I left to do a couple of texts and emails.
In about an hour, I hear his voice in the hall. And, there they go. Right on by the door to 308. Standing straight. Walking about normal stride length. No shuffling. Walker, yes. But no hands on him. No physical support from anyone. And only one therapist! Not two! Off they go, down the hall towards the nurse's station where the snack tray is strategically placed and easily seen. He snagged a package of shortbread cookies and kept going, acknowledging other patients along the way with a head nod, sometimes a wave, and a "hey, big guy". Around the station and back down the hall... all the way back to the therapy room to get weighed... and back up to the room. That's at least 300 hundred feet! No hands... and sitting for a brief sixty second break.
From sleepy to long strides. Good for a Monday morning.
It's 3 months today. The first big mile marker in this journey of change. When I look back and think about it all, days have been very full. Big things and lots of small things that swallow time. Keeping a close eye for any changes, good or bad, and trying to get anything significant documented. Staying patient. Or trying to. Staying hopeful. Regardless of the actions of others and what they may think professionally or otherwise. The small details of vital signs, movements, coloring, breathing, communicating can swallow your day as you look on. For Jim, I'm not sure how it all would be perceived. Certainly, it would change from day to day as there are so many outside influences to navigate along with the actual trauma to his body.
But there are mile markers in his life starting April 15th. Markers that noted changes, progress, signs and movements that Jim was working hard to come back fully restored.
April 16: Dr Ghandi bedside yelled in Jim's face after not responding to gentler requests: " Mr. Williams. OPEN YOUR EYES!" And, in spite of the golf ball swelling of his lids, they popped open the crack they could. "He's in there", says the doc. "He's there." Patting him on the arm.
April 17th: meeting with Dr. Ghandi to review injuries, status, overall situation. It was clear at this point, it was time that would tell.
April 19th: undetected pneumonia. Later addressed with antibiotics over the next 10 days. 2 rounds.
April 22: opened his eyes a crack
April 23: eyes opened more.
April 24th: eyes opened wider to see color and did some tracking
April 26th: continue to stabilize
May 2nd: move from ICU to trauma floor
May 4th: PT sat him up on the edge of the bed first time/ eyes popped open like a switch was thrown.
May 5th: doctor ( different doctor) zoom meeting for overall status, leaving ICU, probable outcome in their opinion, Bah Humbug.
May 7th: speech valve put on for minute with ST
May 8th: ice chips by mouth / responsive/ wiggled right toes on request/tried to stand up on his own/ gave thumbs up. Very interactive. Starting to mouth words.
May 10th: moved to surgical floor for removal of nasal feed tude and insert G-tube.
May 12th: mouthed words " I want you leave. I want to leave. I want to leave."
May 14th: distinctive "hi"
May 15th: sat on the edge of the bed with PT without physical support.
May 16th: PT stood Jim up, holding him bear hug. First time vertical.
May 18th: after previous denials, Jim was accepted to rehab Hospital. Requirement of 3 hours of physical and mental cooperation from patient.
Moved 2 toes on left foot.
Moved left leg a fraction of an inch from the hip. Voluntary movement. No one to document but me.
May 20th: move to rehab facility
May 22nd: Moved left toes on his own. Mouthing words. Interactive. Speech valve but words not recognizable. Trach changed.
More speech valve use. Word "hi"
May 23rd: responded " Nice to be seen. "
Read word Celebrations outloud. Started to sing.
Put in wheelchair for first time.
May 27th: more activity, more agitation, pulled out feed tube. To Hospital for reinsert. Alert. More legs movement. Left toes active. On video.
Trach removed.
June 6th: great OT session. Stood up using footboard of bed. Sit squats. Side steps.
Ate a cracker. Drank a bottle of water. Iced tea.
June 10th: great OT session. Back stretch, yoga type down dog. Watching and calling baseball plays on TV.
June 12th: episode after move to wheelchair Dramatic Blood pressure and oxygen drop. Nasal oxygen applied. Recovery.
Same day spouted his phone number outloud. Witness.
June 15th: following lots of air writing, wrote his name with pen on paper. Unprompted. Wrote his full name in script. Reading words from nurses whiteboard.
June17th: read aloud Napoleon Hill quote posted on wall.
June 23rd: move to skilled nursing facility
June 25th: played a few chords on the piano.
June 26th: played more piano, requested smooth jazz for dinner music. Had questions about what was going on. More awareness.
July 27th: walking about 50 feet
July 3rd: follow up appt at JPS hospital.
July 4th: entertainer in the dining room. Jim started to sing with him and was aware of camera and posed.
July 10th: walked 200 feet.
July 14th: follow up orthopedic appointment at JPS, xrays show hip and pelvis healing well.
Today...who knows.
It's difficult to convey the emotional roller coaster of these 3 months. The excitement of steps and words and strength and wit. The glimpses of fear with fevers and episodes. The trust you have to muster. But through it all, I did.. and do.. completely believe what I tell him. This...is...temporary. God is good. He will restore you and use this for a greater good. Stand on that.
It's hard to know what all Jim is and may be learning on this journey. Without a doubt, there is a rebooting and reloading of learned information processed over these many years. That in itself is a mind-boggling amount of information that the brain has to come up with. There is the repair and regeneration of parts needed so the legs receive the signals they are supposed to, and the muscles fire to allow his hand to hold the dinner fork or the electric razor. The body knows what it has to do. We just need to supply the right opportunities, best guidance, necessary medical legs up, and the faith to know it will all come together.
What he's learning in other realms... at the same time the body is making repairs... is a really intriguing thought. The places where spirit talks with spirit. and energy is a fact. Not some mystical hoodoo voodoo that is man-made or found in a prescription. The elements that exist in all of us and tie us to the Creator, the Source. This place can't be silent while the body is resting and repairing. Energy is a constant. It's the life force that surges and expands as we grow, so there must be amazing conversation and teaching going on. Will he be more enlightened when his body awakens from this? Perhaps there will be a better understanding as to why bad things happen to good people, or if that even matters. Maybe there will be such a heightened awareness and gratitude, that how he got to that point is nothing more than a blip on the important scale.
I know there are times when he will mention a dream he had, or he has some thoughts that seem displaced. But after talking for a moment, we can see how it could have some importance or perhaps he is problem solving. The mind and spirit continue even into sleep to work things out, to find a solution, or temper a frustration.
Considering some of the things he has talked about regularly... especially after naps or a long night sleep... it has made me wonder about those conversations. I believe he is being consoled, encouraged and loved by family whose address is heaven. I believe there are angels specialized in healing and comfort who are busy mending and supporting his body and mind. I believe the entire process also calls for surrender. From him. And, from me. Old habits, die hard, and trying to control situations is really a detour we all take...every day. So when there is fear, or concern for any reason, instead of escalating to a state that is unreasonable or unproductive... step back. Surrender. Get out of your own way.
Looking for treasures and blessings...no matter what... is Jim's outlook on life. Even now, without all circuits connected and some disconnected wires, he still can get excited over simple things. Strawberry ice cream. A full mug of water. Lotion on his back. Long-sleeved athletic shirts. Warm lounge pants. Naps.
He still knows in every part of him, that God does miracles. That God is healing him, has healed him, although he's not always sure what needs healing. "God can do anything, because he's God", he told me. And, that's the thought I asked him to hold on to when he was laying down for the night. To help God work with him to heal and restore. I remind him of all of the progress and gains he has made even if he can not gauge them right now.
Yesterday, we had more to be grateful for. He walked...with the walker... and just one hand on the belt...the length of the hall, around the central nurse's station and halfway back down the hall to the room. That's about two hundred feet. 200.
It was June 10th when he walked five steps with a walker. One month to the day.
And...ta dah...7 more pounds! Weighing in at 147! Is a gain of 26 pounds. Yes!! I've been told he won't get back to his 180 pound weight. That with TBI, we shouldn't expect that. We'll just see about that.
From time to time, I can see his frustrations and concerns about why he can't do some things. He's even made the remarks about needing to be "sharper" or playing the piano better. That's when we have another chat to remind him who he is. How smart he is. And certainly how tough he is.
Walks and weight. Gains for the day. Gains for this journey. I am so grateful for this. And, for the gains to come.
Insurance limitations. Both Medicare and the supplement have limits. Limits to the number of days at any particular facility. Limits as to what kind of facility Jim qualifies for both for insurance and for care options. Financial limits. Limits.
Everything that Jim has options for is subject to insurance qualifications at this stage. Nothing else is really in play. Even though there will be some funding coming... at some point...from the actions concerning the actual incident, none of that is available. Not now.
And, we are at another limit. Limited days at the skilled nursing facility. The number of days at one facility affects the next facility. Like a bank account of days, instead of dollars. Withdrawals and no deposits. Withdraw more at this facility... have less at the next. Until there are no more withdrawals.
Next option after insurances... Out of pocket. Deep pockets. For high quality progressive care... A closet full of pockets.
What you have to depend on are the skills and knowledge, initiative, communication skills, and connections of the caseworkers and social workers, and anyone else in charge. Any link in this chain alters the outcome to the good or not so good.
Good news, as of Saturday morning, he does not have to move today, which was a possibility. But, he may have to move Thursday. Personally, i'm hoping for a more involved facility that offers more and higher quality, interactive therapies to address where he is right now. Mentally and physically.
So, for all of you that want to know what to do to help right now... please continue to pray for Jim. For those that are in charge of him. For their guidance. That their first concern is Jim's well being today and tomorrow. Pray for the best decisions and care for his future and full recovery and restoration. Pray for revelation. Pray for Jim's continued alertness and progress.
While this may be a wild ride for some of us, it needs to be as smooth a ride as possible for Jim. He is over his limit of bumps, bruises, and damage for a lifetime... And then some.
When you look forward to something or want something to stop, time can be multiplied and never ending. Then there are times, we all have them, when you wonder where the time went?
It's almost 3 months since the incident. And, in this journey, we experience both manipulations of time. It keeps you off balance a little. Fast. Slow. Left. Faster. Right turn. Brake. A girl could get a whiplash. From Jim's perspective, as he rewires and reboots, is it any wonder it can be 1966, 1997 and 2023 in the same day? That seems logical to me, but medically it's considered confused.
Just like all opinions, medical opinions seem to be in their own time warp. Major studies continue to widen the knowledge base specific to TBI patients, while some physicians still put limits on Jim's likeliness to improve. We just had that experience this week. But...that information from a higher up physician was completely wrong. His quoted baseline for likely recovery and expectations is for stroke victims. Not TBI. Very different. But, when you hear the information coming from that level of professional who has power in this situation, it's hard not to take it as biblical truth... even for a little bit until you do your own research. It can topsy turvy your world until you bob upright again with the help of better information and faith.
Not to leave you wondering, the studies show that TBI patients can show improvements all the way to 24 months after incident. Previous studies can limit your hopefulness to 3 months, 6 months or at best 12 months, depending on the study.
All that aside, if you make the mistake and lump all patients and studies together, and don't look at Jim's actual progress, you can get hung up on the so called stages of progress, etc. Instead... look at the bottom line. Where he is now. What he is already accomplished makes it all part of the bigger miracle, and makes some predictions nothing but noise.
Jim's progress is now more visible and accelerating. He walked with a walker about one hundred feet, the length of the hall yesterday! He was on the bike machine for upper and lower body movement for a solid twenty minutes...without any help from the machine. He's playing more chords and longer segments on the piano... by memory and by ear. "Fly me to the Moon", was last night's concert. He's staying awake a little longer and coming out of deep sleep a little sharper. He is eating some things that would normally make him wrinkle his nose, because his appetite is so good. As of last Monday, he gained 18 pounds. He still has a G-tube, but it is not used. It is there for precaution at this time. (and, insurance doesn't want to pay another $2, 000 for another one it if he should need it later. ) He sang "Amazing Grace" in harmony with another patient. He's funny. Quick to make a joke. His expressions have really expanded and took over his previously expressionless face. He has become aware of the camera...and poses. ...Ham. Yes, there is still some confusion and other physical issues to regain. Yes, he is still learning words, but he starts reading them without prompt. Sometimes accurately, sometimes not.
But, God has no limitations. And, setting aside the limitations others put on him... given proper support......and the space to expand... Jim will continue to repair, restore and return. Period.
I am learning a lot.
Some things, I would rather not learn. I would rather not learn about what it's like to be so out of control of your life that you hang on to almost anything that seems to be a "for sure". Those are few and far between, and not so sure either. I would rather not learn about losing sleep, because the what-ifs tumble around like caged lotto balls with no where to go. I would rather not learn about insurance. Medical politics. Who can be trusted with something so precious as a life. I would rather not learn about how an ordinary evening doing the dishes after dinner and watching a silly movie together can be so deeply missed. The list is long. Very long.
But, I am learning. I'm learning it's OK to have my limits, and that some limits are really good to have. I'm learning that I should have more limits. I'm learning that I actually am stronger than I thought. In many ways. I would be o k if this one was in the "I would rather not learn" list. I'm learning that the world as a whole goes on. People are still Happy... Sad... Mean... Funny... Kind... Considerate... Inconsiderate... Generous... Self centered... Concerned with their own issues... oblivious to others. I also learned that the kindness from friends and strangers can be very real. Kindness does not need familiarity. And, it is humbling.
I've learned how to pray better. That there is no right way to pray. That God is very approachable and wants to help. That God sees sincerity and humility. I've learned more about what I believe in, and what is for appearance to others. Appearances have never mattered much to me. I have always been a little more independent, out on a limb, and less conforming than most. I really don't impress very easily. I have learned I'm still okay with that. I also learned that my instincts are generally spot on, but allow me to make a mistake and correction so that I can sharpen my skills. Trust myself more. I've learned more about coincidence, serendipity and choices.
Mostly, I've confirmed what I already knew, because I learned it in other life lessons. The more I know... The more I know that I don't know.
And one thing I am grateful to learn...the body is incredible. Forgiving. Regenerating. Plastic. Jim is recovering. He is doing the amazing.
There is a little spinet piano in the corner of the facility's dining room. Bench aside to make room for the wheelchair, Jim was right at home and leaned forward in front of the 88 keys. A few chords. The next time more chords, and looking at the old hymnal. Reading notes and song titles. And later, a few more complex chords.
Probably donated, that little piano helps change people, or at a minimum brings joyful noise. I know it sure made me happy.
Stay with me for a few minutes. While I repeat a few things. There's a reason.
I've bragged on Jim and his athletic abilities. Even as a kid, He was fast...really fast and excellent in track, football and even basketball. He was often written up in the local papers, and his proud mama kept every article in Jim scrapbooks. I've also mentioned how smart he is. He was in the New York accelerated education Regent program. Not an easy feat. How smart, is actually hard to gauge because of his humility and skill to interact with people. We don't all need to understand quantum physics, black holes, and engineering math for Jim to have a conversation with us. Some of his happy time over recent years has been listening to a Space and Time podcast on YouTube. Very relaxing.🙄
But then there is music. Music is in his blood, and in his heart. What he finds difficult to express in words, he will know or find the music to express his deepest feelings. He has been able to use those talents in local musical theater over the years, singing in choirs and church services, and making up new lyrics to known music for special occasions. He knows I loved Roy Rogers. I WAS Dale. Maybe it was the horses, but there was something special about their wholesome life that resonated with me. So one birthday year, Jim, the performer had a western hat and a CD player set up in a nice restaurant to surprise me with his romantic rendition of "Happy Trails". It never occurs to him not to belt out a song even in a high end steakhouse. It's not my thing to draw attention or to be center stage, so Jim's surprises have taken some adjustment for me. Just a few months ago, we were in a little local mediterranean restaurant. He tipped the guitar player and apparently made a request. So over falafel, he serenaded me with "It Had to be You". Two ladies a few tables down swooned, and with their hands over their hearts, one with tears, I heard how lucky I am. I knew that. I know that. But, I think it was important for Jim to say out loud how he felt.
So, I play music. Especially back in ICU days, to say things that would resonate with him and also request his brain to recognize and reach for it. I sang to him. Sometimes now, he has short song outbursts, and he'll make corny little hand gestures that he would do before to be funny. A few phrases. Words lost. Words found. One song at a time. One day at a time. Isn't God amazing?
Before we moved from rehab to skilled nursing, I talked with Jim a few times over the week, keeping him informed. To whatever level of understanding he had from moment to moment, I wanted him to know that there was a move coming. I did not want him to see me packing things, bagging greeting cards, taking the photo posters down... toting bags and making walls bare without an explanation that was calm and unconcerning. I certainly did not want him to have the thought that I was leaving. It needed to be the... we are leaving. That there are processes we have to go through, but he was safe. That this was all for him to continue to heal, and give him the best opportunities to do that including the why and the where of what was happening. He's a really smart man, and he gets it when I talk insurance limits...the system. And on the move day, wrapped up and waiting in the chair while I tried to keep things as normal as possible, he commented that we needed to be sure to do certain "things before we leave here". Awareness.
Each time there has been a change, location of any kind, he has what I call a pause. He's also a very sensitive man, and whatever state of consciousness he was in at the time, he knew there was a change....and, he hid for a while in whatever way he could. Under the sheet. Head down and no eye contact. Sometimes non-responsive. This last location move was a little smoother at first. He offered more communication and seemed more at ease.
He also connected with PT and OT the very day we arrived, so he was greeted and encouraged. And, in the brief evaluation, his body was exercised right off the bat.
He continues to do well in PT and OT, but it's so little. And, the days are long. I fix in between snacks to help him gain weight and build muscle back, play music he wants and talk with him about the picture boards. He actually notices the photos often now. He'll look, and then mention the name or ask where was that? He also sees things like numbers series that aren't really there. I try to pay attention to that in case it has a real meaning to him. Like his phone number that he spouted out during a meal a while ago. No one paid attention to that because of his tendency to talk about things that they couldn't apply to anything logical. But it was. Logical. And real.
Yesterday for the first time, he read L..i..z..z..i..e! That's our newly adopted senior boxer mixed dog we brought home in March. I wrote her name under her picture, but he actually read it. Said her name out loud, with some enthusiasm. And, he remembered her. Even for a moment, that's progress. I showed him the latest short video I took showing Lizzie turning the new stuffed chicken toy into white meat and dark meat. I got a Jim smirk in return.
These are the glimpses that sustain me. That encourage my patience. My faith. Word by word. Thought by thought. They are there one day, and may be distant the next. But you take the glimpses...the fractions of time... and store them and share them... and mostly be grateful for them. These are the results of Jim's hard work and God's healing.
We are sewing glimpses together to weave all his details into one glorious long life memory quilt. One square at a time... soon to be all arranged... and beautiful.
The transition from rehab to a skilled nursing facility has been difficult. There is a level of attention that is expected in rehab and helps the patient progress. Simple things like communication, addressing him and having conversations, dressing him, digital monitoring, regular timely rounds to just look in on him. Helping him to do everyday hygiene and encourage him to start asking for what he needs and wants. Very prompt attention if he needs it. He is basically coming out of a dark, dark hole and having to rewire and relearn some things. Most everything. If you think about that... even for a few minutes... relearning almost everything. How many years of, "I already know how to do that", to "What?"
Rehab also scheduled three hours of therapy per weekday. Not always a smooth and productive session, especially with the rotation of personnel and starting from square ones over and over. And, not always productive because Mister Sleepy didn't wanna. You need a consistent schedule with expectations to build the foundation. After all, you can't start building from the third floor.
Skilled nursing is very different, and if you don't know the right questions to ask, it is a tough way to find out. Most of us really take so many things for granted in daily life that it is hard to form questions around lack. Luckily, we know a lot of the questions to ask, but not all. We really don't know how to gauge how they are answering. Truth or Dare. It's also about perspective and perception. Tomato....to-mah-toe...potato...po-tah-toe. Different takes on a similar or same subject.
Under stressful situations, how about we just add a lot more stress and open ended questions to the mix to make it really interesting. That's really what each medical phase is. You ask what you know to ask, hope they tell you the real answer and not what they think you want to hear, and be flexible enough to fix what was misunderstood or glossed over. Flight lessons really. Let's just cut the engines and ride the currents for a while, Then when you learn, you're not going to crash... and there's really no need to panic... you can turn the engines back on and shift the control. Till the next times the engines are cut.
Jim...is..still .. progressing... in spite of any and all of it. He has gained at least 16 pounds in two weeks. He is walking, but only in therapy, with a walker while lightly assisted from the therapy room. About fifty feet. Amazing! He is taking, not given his medication and reaching for drinks off the table. Putting them back and be a little bit tricky. I wore a nice glass of iced tea yesterday, and the table wasn't big enough for the protein shake, so it got dropped to the floor. Paloosha!! Chocolate rain. Not a big deal. His perspective is off because of the detached lens, so it is fully understandable. Add to that, he hasn't lost any of his stealthy speed.
Do I expect a lot? Yes I do. I set the bar high, as I have been told, but I'm also flexible. I learned that a long time ago. But, flexible does not mean you keep bending until you alter your standard and accept less when more is attainable. You may decide to do that after considering your position that could afford some lessoning. I like to know what I'm dealing with, so I can make logical and educated decisions. If we disagree, fine. That can and should be done without bodily damage. When it comes to Jim and his care, I find it difficult to expect anything but the best. From anyone and everyone. He is vulnerable. He depends on everyone asserting on his behalf. When he comes out of this, and wants to express things any differently for himself, that is a transition I am definitely looking forward to.
What do 306, 506, 508, 112, and 308 have in common?
These are Jim's hospital room numbers over the last 10 weeks. There will be more coming, no doubt. The chances of a well meaning card sent and received in a timely manner through that maze...zilch. Several were attempted but were returned or lost; however, the good intentions made it through just fine. Thank you.
But, so he can get your card along with that intent, you can still send your encouragement, your note, your best wishes, your funny comments and your prayers to the address below. I will make sure Jim receives everyone of them.
He is starting to be able to read them personally. Printing mostly. Script still stumps him. But that's ok. I know people without traumatic brain injury who can't read script!
So here you go...send your wishes to...
Jim Williams
6501 Davis Blvd.
P. O. Box 821771
N. Richland Hills, TX 76182
Round 1: JPS Hospital, Level one trauma hospital. ICU for 18 days. Trauma unit, 8 days. Surgical Unit, 10 days.
Round 2: move to Encompass rehabilitation hospital, May 20- June 23rd. ( longer stay than expected)
Round 3: We moved to a skilled nursing facility today. The length of stay again will be determined again by the insurance and Jim's progress. I'm betting on Jim's progress. Also, there will likely be some other procedures to fix his right eye, and perhaps the right orbital facial fracture that will be coming up and require hospital stay again. So, how long he will be in this facility is questionable. I'm still expecting Jim to surprise. In all areas.
There are a lot of suggestions as to how much we should be encouraging the doctors, who should be pressuring the insurance companies for extended stays, etc.. If only it could be that easy. There are so many influential factors that cannot be put out in type here. But, one of the most interesting is one that I have brought up before. The doctors have teams. If the weekly team input is not one that has a report of consistent progress, the line of progress goes flat. If that progress line goes flat, for whatever reason insurance will not approve any further accommodations. The doctors spend seconds... minutes... at best with the patient. A wink and a nod. Maybe a handshake. Therapists spend up to an hour each session. If therapists rotate teams, then it is square one after square one after square one. Looking at it from the outside, my business instincts say it could certainly be organized a lot better. But, no one has real control over that arrangement. It is a matter of staffing, economics, scheduling and patient cooperation as a bottom line. Covid influenced a lot of these issues we have today. All but the patient cooperation. That one you pray over. When you add communication skills and patient cooperation to the mix of those floating opinions... We are fortunate we had the length of time we did. He may be able to come back later, but you gotta leave when they say leave.
Bottom line. You'd better be prepared to attend, observe, initiate, advocate, and sacrifice. And, be good at poker. And, if you're good...get better. You never know who is going to be at your table.
So... Round three. New therapists. New surroundings. New staff. New noises, tastes and smells. New relations on my end, too. But... Jim is progressing. Maybe not the way the previous teams have calibrated.. But, I know what I see. What I hear. What was. What is. Jim is consistently improving, and we will have a great time going back into a couple of these facilities to say howdy. I wonder if they will recognize him... walking in... Standing tall.
(Improvement note for the day: When taking things down in the room to move, the only thing left on the wall was my Napoleon Hill quote. I could see Jim squinting to look at it. So I took it down and handed it to him. And, outloud, he read the entire page perfectly:
"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desire brings weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat." Napoleon Hill)
Over the weeks, Jim has progressed in so many ways, and he has made me cry, and made me wonder, and made me grateful. And, very proud. He's also made me laugh. That's one of his true talents in life. Making someone laugh, or be entertained. " I would never laugh at you...I laugh with you"... Although I must say sometimes, I would have understood if he did laugh at me. So, courtesy of Jim... Be grateful... Be entertained.
Ga-ding. Ga-ding.
Come on leg.( Pulling on his pants legs to help raise his foot off the floor.)
Yahoo. I-O-W-AH
No charge for your responses.
A tennis racket is a swatter backer.
What the h#@* is that? (grabbing something he shouldn't)
Y-u-u-um.
Nashville. ( When he started reading off the tv)
Why does that say Tim instead of Jim? (Referring to the nursing board of notes on the wall. The loop of the J had rubbed off leaving a T.)( Pretty observant I would say.)
Dave is a hose head. ( We were looking at photos on the picture boards I made and were noting the one with Jim and his siblings when they were younger. Brotherly love.)
Whoa.
What can I do to make this place a palace for you?
It's good to be seen!
Do you feel unfulfilled? ( was worried about me)
This pie...is like PIE!!! World's best!! ( hands in the air!!)
If you are here with me, I am just fine.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. ( Exasperated.)
Leaning forward, looking straight in my eyes, "You have missed out a lot on the Jim Williams app".
Honey...you bet I have.
Have you ever thought what it would be like to look in a picture of yourself and not know it was you? The face that has stared back at you year after year. Your hair... Dark and full... Changing to salt and pepper... To a dignified white. A few facial lines. Maybe a lot of them. But, still you know yourself.
But what if you didn't?
Imagine not knowing yourself. So...how can you recognize other people? Even friends you've known for years. Even family. This is the situation as part of the severity of the injury, and part of the healing. Those things are coming back, but as they do, the not knowing can also bring a great level of stress and discomfort to him. To expose him to that much stress really is out of place at this time.
Jim is finally recognizing himself in pictures. Nine weeks plus, and he recognizes himself. Mostly. The main goal here is for him to be well, keep healing and progressing, and to get back to being the Jim we all love.
So without a doubt, I have definitely tried to manage visits and exposures that would cause him any kind of discomfort. Sometimes it's just too much stimulus. That goes with the TBI. He is indeed very fortunate to have so many people who care about him, including very long time friends. Friends may feel that the time in the hospital is a very long time, and should warrant a visit. On the time scale for TB I, this is extremely early. So please be patient, know that we are trying to manage everything for Jim's well being for the long term. Your concern and wanting to visit and see him are greatly appreciated. It just may not be the correct time, and I hope that you understand the necessity at this time.
He is making such marvelous progress that we expect that visitors will start to be able to filter in a little bit of time to help encourage him to keep going forward, chat about old times, and help with his recovery.
In the meantime, I ask for your trust.
Jim always works at staying fit. Anyone who knows him personally, knows this. His running. His health regiment of supplements and vitamins ( Specific brand, of course😁). His breakfast shake of protein and sugar stabilizers. Cottage cheese out of the container can be lunch. He's maintained his weight at 180, give or take two pounds ever since college. He wears the same size pants, and takes pride in that... although we have had discussions about just because they fit, doesn't mean they should be worn.🙄 Save those outdated and retro beauties for the musical theater, thank you very much.
So, as a result of the incident and traumatic brain injury that resulted, my tall and fit man is now my tall and very thin man. Almost 60 pounds down. Certainly not something he can afford, and dangerously low. So the g tube again provides protein at night to give him more intake over longer periods of time. That helps to supplement three daily meals. I have asked, but have not gotten the updated daily weight. Tomorrow, I'll ask again, but I can usually look and get an idea. I think he's gained a few, maybe five.
He requires a lot of assistance with meals. Getting food on a fork is tough with the right eye injury and detached lens. Perspective is difficult, so rather than lose a lot of food off the plate or the fork, it's best to assist. Calories. Nutrition. Build back muscle. That's the goal. And, a meal can take an hour easily to an hour and a half for Jim to eat.
Jim is not, never has been, food motivated. He enjoys a good meal, but he doesn't plan a day around eating. "What's for dinner, honey?" is not something I usually hear. And, if he is focused on something, he often forgets to eat, until he hears his own stomach grumbling about it.
In the situation he is now, eating is a big deal. And days are planned around food intake along with the therapies. I'm now permitted to make his favorite protein shakes to add to the Ensure that they want him to take. I bring cottage cheese, watermelon, mandarin oranges and snack bars for between meals along with his sports drink, full of electrolytes. He sucks that down. That helps hydrate the muscles, and I can see evidence of firmer fuller muscles in his legs and arms and a little more firmness in his face.
The strength he needs to build back those muscles... To sit straight... Stand... Walk a few steps... Stay balanced... Drains him very quickly. So there are lots of naps to take. Involuntarily. The body is so beautifully made, so smart, so in rhythm that it knows it needs rest. And, so it shuts down. Resets and rests for how ever long it needs. Then, it winds back up. With half open lids, slurred speech, and mixed up words, he sorts through the demands his body is making and revs back up to another round of energy expressed.
And, each time he winds down, and then winds backup. I'm always anxious to see what comes back with him. He has amazed me with phrases, and numbers, observations, and humor, too. So a pound at a time, he's coming back. It takes more than this to defeat Superman.
Every day, most of us go about our business... running errands, going to work or at least booting up the computer and backdrop for for a proper video conference, balancing the checkbook, washing salad greens for dinner...never thinking you won't do the same thing tomorrow...and the day after. Normal things that life requires. That's on the straight road. The life road that doesn't have the bumps and pot holes.
The roads that are more challenging can even become tenuous switchbacks or actual turning points. Sometimes welcome adventures. Others you wish for mundane.
April fifteenth was our turning point. It was a major, unexpected, unwanted life jolt that sent our sense of normal way off track. The tracks weren't even in view anymore.
But on this new path, there also have been many kindnesses. Unexpected. Unsolicited. Kindness given for kindness sake. The efforts of handwritten cards and messages. Petitioning prayer warriors. Lunches and snack bags. Parking attendance that gave me my money back with a "have a nice day". A car service that fixed my wacky windshield wiper as soon as I pulled in... No charge. The storage facility manager who kept my old rate when they found out Jim had been hurt. Hearing a sincere... How are you? What can I do? The list goes on. I don't take these gifts of kindness for granted. Just the opposite. They touch my heart and lighten the weight we carry right now, and they won't be forgotten.
If you watch the news and listen to talking heads whose intent is to outrage, you might forget that kindness exists... And even think good people are extinct. Truly. Good people are not extinct. One of them is injured and in rehab, but he is still good and still kind. And, many of them have extended hands towards us. Thank each and every one of you... many of whom we do not know personally...for your kindness.
Jim and I both have a tendency to believe in signs. To be aware of small things that seem to be there for a purpose. Coins. Cardinals. I have a thing for bird feathers, and often I find the larger ones staring at me when I open a car door, or walk out of a building. Beautiful and perfect, it could be laying there... obvious... a Forrest Gump moment just for me. Like an answer to a question that was looming. I found several over three weeks of ICU trips back and forth, in my path. Fresh. Ladybugs and butterflies find Jim, no matter where. It could be because he smells good, but I think it's more about the energy he has. They will often flit around, collar to pocket to shoulder...take off and land on him again and again.
If you are open to seeing. You see. If you are open to hearing. You hear. If you are open to learning. You learn.
Driving down a nearby street regularly, I pass two small churches within a block of each other. The kind that probably struggle to meet budget every month. They both have letter signs in the front lawn. Old ones. Black frames with white-ish backgrounds that you change the big plastic letters to form messages. And, each time I have passed, the signs have had more than welcome messages. They felt personal. Fresh. Perfect. " Stand strong on your faith...", "Find answers...focus on God." Obviously these could fit any circumstance, because they are truth. But, I'd rather think they were there to strengthen my purpose for the day, so I had more resolve. More to offer Jim. More for other people, too.
So, to the little churches, in the little places with 50 year old plastic letters, even if one of us reads your posted scripture...and feels a little better...a little stronger...a little less unsure...your signs matter. And, maybe ladybugs and butterflies will want to follow us around to get a little of that.
Holidays came and went, like all the years. They come faster and go faster now, too. Winter. Valentine's day and all the romantic flowers, candy and dinner. It may happen every year, but none of it... all his efforts to make it special... is ever taken for granted. Dinners together and sofa snuggles. Easter Sunday, a picnic and photos with our new adopted senior boxer dog, now more precious than ever. Our anniversary. Every year, we go back to the same little Italian restaurant where the "we" started. Where we talked for hours over dinner... Closed the restaurant... Then sat in the car and talked more. That night didn't end there. He sent an email that told me he had a great time, that our time together was easy and comfortable, and he hoped I felt the same way. Well, I must have, because here I am.
Just days after we celebrated our 14th... Our life blew up. All the little things, big things, have to do things, fun things... Plans for the year... All blew up. Two vehicles came together at an intersection and produced their own big bang that changed our life forever.
We don't even exactly know how our lives will fully change. Each day is its own story, none of which we were prepared for. Still aren't.
It's two months now.
It can be difficult to see past the point of impact into our old life. It's been all hospital protocols, insurance, monitors, tubes, McDonald's coffee and control. Other times the thoughts and memories of the celebrations or just being together before the shift are weighted with the word "last" attached.
Every day there are new challenges on many levels. Some couldn't possibly have been on the radar. People surprise you in marvelous ways and in ways that leave you with your head tilted in your jaw limp. Some challenges require you to rethink your perspective, if it is a hill worth dying on... or how to consider someone else's hill. Other challenges come from standing, not moving from your spot. The depth of emotions and physical toll is difficult to tell.
But... It's two months. Two months closer than it was before to our newest chapter, and towards his amazing recovery. Everyday Jim shows me in so many ways he is gearing up to come back, and that keeps me looking forward. We...are going to be fine. Sometimes, I tell him that to help motivate him and feel better, and other times it's for me.
A while ago, I noticed Jim was either writing in mid air or holding an imaginary pencil and writing on the blanket... After he straightened and flattened it to suit. After all, he is a writer. He carries tiny notebooks in his pants pocket to keep running notes, notes to self, reminders, and thoughts to pursue later. It's what he has done forever. He writes. So, I pulled out my flip notepad and a pen and handed it to him. Back then, it was especially tiny writing...compacted upward and downward swings. A bumpy line at best. But, he was really good at writing numbers. No shock there. He thinks in numbers. They make sense to him. The numbers were easily identifiable and larger. They were also equations of a sort. Minus signs, equal signs, pluses.
Then numbers with dollar signs in later writings. We were visiting with very close friends and discussing hockey and baseball scores. Some of those numbers in the conversation showed up on the paper he had in front of him. He heard it. He wrote it.
Then more script. A beautiful handwriting is not a talent Jim has... his hand rather acts like a compass, covering all four hemispheres in north, south, east and west directions. Sometimes all within one word. So translating early Jim script is tricky.
More numbers. More equations.
Today he started writing while sitting at the table in the lobby area. So the big artist tablet came out. He chose a pen over a colored marker.
J...i...m...W...W...W...Will...(noise interruption)
No prompting. No, what is your name question. Just him, a tablet and a pen. So when I see his writing, I say something like oh, you're writing your name are you? Yes. What is your name? He wrote it. Then spoke it out loud looking at me. James. (Middle name). Williams.
You are indeed. And, I am so very proud of you.
We've known for a few days, but with the original release date looming, i felt compelled to make a formal announcement!
This is huge. Jim has been making such great progress that his stay at Rehab has been extended an additional week! We now have until the 23rd of June...at least. It's possible the stay could be extended if he continues to make marked improvements and insurance cooperates. Oh!! Yes please!! The lead Neuro physician in charge of Jim's case commented that they don't see this kind of improvement usually, and they did not want the progress to slow or even regress by leaving. Answer to my prayer!
They have weekly meetings to evaluate. Petition prayer....stay...stay...stay!!
Progress...progress...progress...
So, it has been a very busy several days on one hand, and some long dry moments on the on the other. It's all part of the process. You have to find the joy and the progress even in the dryer zones of life. And, in the times that blossom with many achievements, I find that tempering the excitement helps spread the joy to all the corners, making it enough to cover even lean times.
Looking at where Jim is, and where he was over eight weeks ago... Astonishing. The last three weeks has its own chart of progress. No remarkable (medical reference) left leg and foot action... To standing. Some communication....to small conversation and lots of verbal expression. Some think the healing is accelerating. Yes. But I, for one, think we simply can see the healing more easily now. A lot of the healing...most... is done in silent places. Secret gray matter chambers. Other realms of life. What is done there starts the tumbling of thousands of standing dominoes throughout the body. Next thing you know, Jim spouts out his phone number, 817-bleep bleep -bleep...b..b..b..bleep...between bites of lunch. Staff in the room thought he was just talking numbers again. Nope. Now what queued that thought, I have no clue.
He is actually engaging with other patients! Looking at them. Connecting and asking "How's it going?" " How's the soup?" Concern for others. That's Jim for sure.
So, as Napoleon Hill said:
"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desire brings weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat."
I'm keeping the fire department number at the ready to handle our desires.
A little side track. But not off track. This is a little love note to thank each of you for your support, prayers, and unifying agreement for Jim's well being and full recovery.
We have been receiving lovely cards and hand written notes at the post office from so many of you, in addition to the supportive comments, and it brings such a sense of community and connection. What you have been doing over the last 8 weeks...your thoughts...your prayers...your positive healing energy...has been a tremendous help to both of us.
What Jim was able to do this last week was a dream a month ago. Your prayers and support have worked with God to guide and launch him into the continuing recovery. And, we can't wait to see what the next week brings!
So from us....thank you.
Love,
Jim & Karen
It matters. And, your time and thoughts do not go unnoticed.
Running 5 to 6 miles weekdays and 10 to 12 miles on the weekends was normal for Jim. He was a sprinter originally in high school and college, super fast, some records still standing. Then over the years following, he moved in to distance. Genius time. Work it out time. De-stress time. Those kind of runs, certainly not something most people are going to do. But, he is not most people. We actually would talk about how it was difficult sometimes for people to relate to him when he would encourage someone about taking better care of themselves. No way were they going to take up running. Heck. Finding time to walk a mile was hard to think about. They were fighting twenty pounds. Jim never knew 20 extra pounds. But, his concern for a friend to be well, not only to lose the weight, but the heart or other bodily damage that could result always won out. He would find a way to bring it up. Not to be right. Not to embarrass someone. But, real concern. It was not uncommon for him to say, I'm worried about so and so.
At times, I think his kindness and concern for people, his ability to relate, could make him suspect in today's environment. But. No motives. It's such a rare thing. I don't know if people recognize that higher quality when they see it. I know when we met, I wondered if he was too good to be true. Well, he's true.
And, yesterday he took five steps. With a walker. Assisted on both sides. Five steps towards recovery. The ability to reach deep down and challenge himself still intact. I did not get to see it, but when I called to check on him, the staff said it made their day! It certainly made mine.
So, on behalf of Jim and his hope for people to be well... Do your five steps. Or your ten pound weights. Or your down-dog or jazzer size. Eat healthier and take your supplements. Take care of the beautiful body God gave you, so if you need to pull on the reserves for whatever reason, you have them.
Use Jim to inspire you to be well. To be grateful. To do a little each day towards something bigger.
Today five steps. Tomorrow.......
Meatballs in tomato sauce. Mashed potatoes in white gravy. Buttered corn. Peach crumble. Iced tea. With utensils. First meal.
The swallow test was a total success! So, within an hour or so, lunch was brought on a tray... with aromas. Can he hold a fork and spoon, yes. But, negotiating where the meatball is in reference to his mouth can be a little tricky sometimes. Also, there needs to be enough food on the fork to encourage chewing and not just swallowing. That is a choke hazard as much as too much food on the fork.
Although Jim is always the last to leave a dining table as the slowest eater under normal circumstances, the objective here is to get the food in him. Protein. Carbs. Energy. Calories. And, there is a bit of a schedule to consider, like PT and OT, so for the sake of time and efficiency, I got the privilege of managing the utensils as he picked what he wanted . Mostly meatballs. Almost all the meatballs... And a reasonable amount of corn and potatoes. All the iced tea, and a small bottle of water with a straw . Not keen on the peach crumble, but that's not new. He decided he was still hungry, so he used the fork to stab more meatballs and corn kernels, and tried to drink the peaches, forgetting he didn't like them. Then we were done.
The lunch tray doesn't have to be picked up on time, but he does need to get his physical work in. That schedule changes daily and can be anywhere from 8 am to 2pm. His tube feedings were like clockwork. Expose the feed tube and valves...protein mixture....Water.... Done and done.
What a delightful dilemma. Factoring in food trays to physical workouts with terrific therapists who are putting those calories to use to build strength and balance.
Meatballs. Yum.
Well. Another midnight ride to a hospital to reinsert the feed tube. After an apparently fitful evening the night before last, he yanked it out. Again, nothing drastic. But, until he passes the swallow test, the g tube stays in place to assure as much nutrition as possible. It is a lifeline.
This week, Jim has eaten a cracker, sherbert, and drank two bottles of water with a straw under supervision of the speech therapist. She has complete control of the situation, making sure he is not going to choke or aspirate into the lungs. That's bad. No shock either, that he wants to talk even with food in his mouth. "Eat the food, breathe the air", would be common out of his mouth before all of this, when he would choke or somehow forget to swallow. What he had to say...ahem...was more important apparently. Ahem.
So, the swallow test is today. Yay! A tiny camera... On a tiny tube... Takes a nasal and throat journey to witness the actions of the throat and tongue. Because Jim had a tracheotomy, the test is necessary to assure no damage is hiding, and that the brain is working as it should to tell these parts what to do. We expect all to be good. The ST expects he will start some kind of diet today, and the swallow test will determine the texture of the food. So, I have a list of preferred and no-way foods for the kitchen. Kind of like President George Bush and broccoli. No way.
Let's hear it for a lunch tray!
Yes. He is getting impatient. Yes There is agitation. Yes. He is definitely getting stronger. Yes. His trach is gone and the hole is completely scabbed over and healing beautifully. Yes. He is talking. What he talks about is another story. No. The conversation does not always make sense. No. You don't know if it's going to be eighteen year old Jim, or repair tech Jim, or engineer Jim. He's a time traveler. Yes. He can become overwhelmed very easily with too much stimulation. That includes people and conversation. Whether it's him or you talking. Yes. He is getting better every day. Yes. You should be proud of him. The recovery he has made in seven and a half weeks is worth talking about.
So, the next midnight ride I am hoping for, is the one when we go out on purpose...during a meteor shower... and lay on the hood of the car... with snacks....to catch falling stars.
OT, occupational therapy and PT, Physical therapy were in the morning. Unusual to be back to back, but that's the way the schedule went yesterday. Sometimes OT and PT overlap in the elements of their session. OT generally concerns itself with personal hygiene and self care, to be sure someone is capable of normal everyday regiment. There is also body movement.
But, the content of the session floats depending on the therapist and reading the patient at that moment. Yesterday, the therapist asked a lot from Jim. And, he delivered. Wheelchair parked at the foot of his bed, he used the footboard to pull himself up and stand, mostly on his own. Tall. Head up. At some point, letting go with one hand to be distracted by something to fuss with on the bed and only secured by the other hand. There were some tough sit squats added to the session. Coming out of the chair just enough to clear the seat and then sit down again. Then, standing, he shifted his weight from right foot to left foot and back again, and side stepping to the end of the footboard. It was wow!!
Later in the gym, while sitting in the wheelchair, PT asked him to kick his right leg out to bump the therapist's hand. Then left. I said left. Then right. Left. Back and forth, staying mostly on task, while he sometimes fixed imaginary wires as a phone tech at early AT&T. Then a boxing match! Right punch to the therapist's hand, left punch. Back and forth. When he let out a big old raspberry of exasperation, that was his sign off.
Watching Jim from the end of the gym, was a man in a wheelchair who had been working on the pedal machine with his upper body,. His legs gone. Resting himself, he greets Jim." Well done, Pard'." At first Jim did not respond, but when he made eye contact he thanked him. The old Pard' told him that he could tell how hard Jim was working, and that he looked great. A little later, we saw him again in the hall. I greeted him as Pard', And, he introduced himself as Mark. "Mark, meet Jim." Jim gave a nod and a wave. Mark proceeded to tell Jim how great he looked, again, and how well he was doing. We visited for just a moment or two, but I wanted Jim to connect to and acknowledge someone else. Someone with a loss. Someone that needed to be seen, and was bold enough to make the initial move.
Whether that meeting encouraged him or not, I'll never know. But, Jim did wheel the chair part way down the hall. Whatever it takes.
So yesterday, I reminded Jim that I am writing in his blog. Yep, big guy. I figured out how to get into your blog and sit in your writer's chair. Instead of rubber duckies, eyebolts and credit cards that somehow you make into humorous stories, your readers are hearing about how you persevere. So, if you want to go for rubber duckie # 38 or #252, I forget...it's a gaggle for sure...you need to keep your eyes forward and your mind set to recovery.
That was a little tougher yesterday. He has had muscle cramps for a few days, so they are giving a muscle relaxers. The cramps don't surprise me. He has a tendency towards them, and often would pop up out of a sitting position like someone just zapped him with a cattle prod. Startles me every time. 🙄 So his now normal sleepy self had more drugs to muddle through. He sat in the wheelchair, chin on fist, rather than participate in a therapy circle. After all, if his eyes are closed, maybe this all wasn't happening. So... time for a chat.
A reminder that this is temporary. But in the meantime, maybe he could inspire people in the circle to try even when it was tough. That his normally extroverted self could help someone feel better, if just for a moment. That maybe if one of those patients was having a tough go, Jim could encourage like he normally would do pre-April 15th.
I'm not sure we are there yet. He is still figuring out what is going on with his normally responsive body and very bright brain. But, each day he tries and accomplishes one more feat, big or small, he is closer to helping someone else, too. So, my request is this: Please pray for him to see beyond his current limitations to his tomorrow... And to look to the left and to the right and to smile at someone and lift their day like he is used to doing. To recognize it is not a lesser position he is in, but only a different level of viewing. That he stays motivated and encouraged to try, even when the mountain is particularly high. And, that his wonderful brain continues to knit and weave all of the intricate parts back together in perfect harmony. Strong, healthy and clear, as the tech and operations center of his entire being.
This is my request, today.
In a lot of ways, Jim is making this healing journey look easy. I'm living it. There has not been anything easy about it. So when I read back through this journal of transition so far, the real trauma of the event and current status is not fully conveyed. I chose not to do that. To layer on all the details of the incident itself...what must have been horrifying at the least for anyone who was witness...would keep me stuck in those moments that changed Jim's world. Our world. Seeing him...barely recognizable... and the hours and days to follow...and hoping it was just a terrible nightmare. But, not. Taking the smallest changes or improvements as validations to my belief that he was coming back from this. Whole. And, terrified sometimes that I was banking on a fantasy.
It would have been easy to stay in moments of fear, especially very early on as I kept waiting to wake up. Still do now and then. There is no rule book on how to handle this surreal curve ball, so your faith is really all you can count on. And, that belief is what connected me to Jim when there were no words or movement. The deep belief in his intention to heal and be well...along with his dependence on the Creator to work with him to achieve that enormous task. To expect that God has a plan for something glorious to come from all this. Allowing only these beliefs to grow and expand and surround him, snuffing any other thoughts or objectives that do not align with that expectation.
Determined? Yes. Bullheaded? Possibly. But, sometimes you just have to stand... firm... on a rock...because any other option or outcome is just not acceptable. And, if that makes either of us stubborn, I'm okay with that.
A high school buddy called today. Long-time friends from school and similar backgrounds, both on the school track team. It's special to have friends for that long. Not that you talk often, but you pick up where you left off, and it's an easy transition. Jim didn't hold the phone, but he spoke to it. Not fully comfortable, I could see that as he fussed with the blanket and concentrated on what was being said. I reminded him of the story from long ago, when these two friends were competing at a major track meet held at Princeton. And, Jim urged his friend on from the side lines...Run Tommy! Run! It spurred Tom on then and seemed to jostle some pleasant memories now. As Tom told him he would run again, Jim responded with a "Yes, I will", a nod, and an expression of determination.
As they talked a little more, I mentioned that Tom was needing to write a couple sermons to stand in for his pastor this month, and I wondered if Jim had any suggestions. He had no hesitation. " Equitability." His index finger extended, making the point. "Do the right thing. Always try to do the right thing." This is not imagination. This is foundation-Jim.
We are still at a recovery stage where conversations can range from pizza, to connection boxes, the color blue, master files, and being Groot. And, he comes up with, "do the right thing."
There's a sermon in there somewhere.
After his initial walk, he went to peddling machine. I thought it was a good time for music. I suggested a few favorite talents when he agreed to Billy Joel, with eyebrows raised. So, I called out a few titles. "Piano Man", it is. A first for a specific request.
It started out....
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
Inside I am doing cartwheels, Jumping jacks, jazz hands...the level of my excitement is difficult to contain. It has been for a day now. Because, Jim walked yesterday.
Jim walked yesterday.
Jim walked yesterday.
In spite of all the stupid little things that did not line out the way they were supposed to or should have, the kitchen LED light fixture went out, the fact that the dog decided that the tweeting battery in the smoke detector that I couldn't reach was reason to lose her mind and kill the window blinds, the lack of time to get some paperwork done I needed, the driver that cut me off... Jim walked.
So priorities straight, later after cleaning up window blind parts and getting a couple of papers taken care of, and shopping for new window blinds, I sat and enjoyed the success. Jim walked.
With help from the wonderful physical therapist who parked Jim's wheelchair at the end of the parallel bars, he grabbed the bars and stood. Straight. And, with some support and careful thought, he moved one foot at a time and walked. Stopped. To turn around, I could see him calculating the best way to turn based on the security of his legs. It was so obvious. He turned right towards the stronger leg and walked back to the chair.
Then he went to the pedal machine where his feet are placed with support in pads, the speed and patterned set... Forwards and backwards... And a video of him riding a bike on a trail help to launch goals.
Left toes wiggled a week ago Tuesday. Left leg and foot movement last Saturday. Standing. Walking. Yesterday.
I have no words. Except... Thank you.
Jim walked yesterday.
"I need you to do that with me."
That is actually what he said to me as I walked around Jim's hospital bed.
"What, honey?"
"Intention."
This is amazing. If you are familiar with Doctor Wayne Dyer, a favorite author of Jim's, the reference to intention is from his book, "The Power of Intention". Both of us were reading this book before the incident April 15th. Reading it for the second time for me, and probably the third of fourth time for Jim. It's still on my nightstand, and a go to book along with Marcus Aurelius', "Meditations". There are several books we both look to as life books. Extensions of God's continued work through people and words. For Jim to refer to this specifically is amazing. You would have to read the book, which I highly recommend, to further get the depth of teaching. But, the Reader's Digest version is that we come from love, kindness, abundance. Because, that's what God is. Abundance in everything. Because he wants to provide all good things for us.
So Jim basically was asking me to be in agreement with his intention to be fully healed. The fact that he had this in mind... his immediate thoughts... is remarkable. It tells you where his thinking is. Right where it should be. And, right where my thinking is also.
His belief in a loving God... A God of peace and kindness. A God of health and healing. A God of infinite abundance. A God of love. In spite of everything that has happened, and what he has been through in the last six and a half weeks... This is where Jim's thinking is.
Have intention with us, please. Intention that Jim is fully healed and restored, physically and mentally with remarkable speed, and the belief that this experience is for good. That it will be used to encourage and help others and express God's intentions for each of us.
We hope each of you understand that you come from this love and abundance. And, in spite of external circumstances, doubts of others, or what the news or your family says, this is truth. And truth does not need approval to be so. It simply is.
